Saturday, January 31, 2015

the feeder

I watch your chest rise and fall so fast, you eat like this is your last meal, you fight for your food as if there is nothing else around to eat.  your feathers are so healthy, your body mass so large, you strive to eat enough to keep yourself warm and alive in the winter months ahead of you.

 I watch you with a smile on my face, I watch you in ahhh amazed of your speed of flight, your hastiness of what you devour.  I watch your sparring techniques as if a karate champion, you fight for your take as if it's a meaning of life or death...

I sit in my warm house, comfortable, not a worry on my mind, as I go open a refrigerator and take my time to choice what I want to eat... Do I cook it or eat it cold, not having to fight off others, not  having to eat it in seconds, but to sit down and enjoy it... to keep myself fed, healthy and alive for the upcoming winter months

you can watch my birds feed, on my webcam that is at the feeder... it's only up during Alaska daytime hours, soon it will be up all the time.
Here is the link to watch it.

Friday, January 30, 2015

The battle of marriage

Marriage is a battle field, they don’t show you the truth of marriage on movies, if they did no one would go there.
The prelude to battle… When you date, you put on your best face, and you act so fucking perfect, that even satan himself would fall for you.
You have manners, and you love everything, you are interested in everything that other person talks about.
Promise of the fairytale life is said to each other, agreements that will never come around are stated, you are compared to their parents, ex-boyfriends, ex-husbands, even their best friend’s life.
Then the courtship aka the sex… it’s great, you have nothing to lose, you want to try everything, and do it every way either one of you have heard of, and you are will to adventure out into the fantasies you once had, cause this is new, and it’s exciting and it’s going to be your new life!
The coming together on the battle field aka the Marriage…
In ah and glamor, you come together before God, your family and your friends, and make promise, empty promises to each other, about how your new life, your dream life, your fairytale will be.

The Battle…
          You like to have friends and dinner parties, and be active outdoors, and enjoy life to the fullest and have no drama!   While your adversary likes to sit and watch tv, do crafts by herself, and just sleep and play on her phone and has so much drama in her life, Jerry Springer would cream his pants, if he ever talked to her.  So let the battle begin, you are wrong for not doing what you like to do, cause you aren’t being yourself, but if you go to do that, then you are wrong, cause you aren’t home with your wife and kids.  You are wrong for not taking care of yourself, but if you do, you are wrong for not being home with her.
If you sit at home, she tells you, you should be out doing what you like to do, but if you do, guess what, yeap, you are wrong for not being home with her.
If you ask her to do it with you, she has headaches, stress, is too tired, and will find other things to say not to go with you.  But if you force the issue, she goes and has a blast but then bitches for days about the pain she has cause she doesn’t exercise regularly.
As the battle continues for years, you find the two of you falling apart, becoming strangers, becoming enemies, where one day you will hate each other, cause you guys can’t find happy medium.
Remember those promises, how life is going to be, when it comes down to putting out on those words, you will find someone who doesn’t want to be that princess after all, she wants to be common folk, she wants to be a peasant
So while you are ready for your role as the prince, your princess is off, being something else, someone else, and if you challenger her on her words, you are changing her and you don’t love her.
Welcome to the battle of Marriage!  It’s not everything it’s cracked up to be!

The Bottle

The bottle has so many different reasons to exist.  There is the bottle for happy times; the bottle for sad times, the bottle for loneliness, the bottle for pain, and the bottle for want to end it all.
When I open the bottle up, I can hear the medicine talk to my needs, you will not be alone tonight; you will be happy and free of pain
As I pour the bottle out, onto the ice cubes, I feel those feelings that I am trying to suppress, yelling, no you can’t do this, this isn’t fair, please don’t shut us up.
The alcohol pours over my tongue, and my body tingles knowing what is about to come, the happy feelings, the numbness of the pain or loneliness.
When I get down to the bottom of the bottle, panic sits in, and I wonder, is it going to be enough to get through the night, will I start feeling before I wake up and face reality again? If this happens, can I handle it, will I survive that, will I live through another day.

My other bottle doesn’t have liquid in it, it has my little helpers, that are downers, uppers, pain killers.
Doctor says never mix the two bottle, but it’s like the matrix they don’t want you to feel the power behind the two..  The feeling of numbness one feels, to where the pain, the hurt, the loneliness, the emptiness goes away for a longer time.
The best mixture of the two bottles is when the pain goes away forever and you live in a bright and shiny place with no more pain, sorrow, hurt, loneliness.
But I always wake up, and face another day.

Saturday, January 24, 2015


If I pull my skin off, will the pain and loneliness go with it?
If I spill my blood on the ground, will I feel better about life
If my breathe leaks into the air, does my sadness go with it.
or do I just curl up in another bottle to get past tonight