Thursday, December 31, 2009

a new year

I have been alone for over a year now... With special people coming and going through out the time... I lost my best friend and I don't know if I will ever be able to replace her...

I wonder sometimes if I will be alone forever... just having friends, and no one close, no one to love, no one to share my interests with, no one to spend my time with.

My new love is the gym, I give her my time and my body, she gives me muscles and takes away the fat I still have on this body.. Will she ever give me more? will she fill these holes I feel inside...

What does one do for love? does he give himself up to settle for someone less... someone like those I gave my life to in the past... Those who needed to be fixed only to walk over me and leave?

Here is to a new beginning, to a new start, to a new year...

Thursday, November 26, 2009

miss you...

You have a place in my heart for ever... you have taught me things, I would have never experience without you... You have cried with me.... we have held each other, we have had special moments together, that only two people who are meant to be close, best of friends...

I will miss you forever... I will always keep you in my heart, mind, and soul... I will miss our long chats, or crying together..

I will need your help from where you are ...when things are tough...

I love you... you were my best friend, you were my hero, you were my everything...

I love you Traci B....

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Meeting Monique

Meeting Monique:

I met Monique on a cold brisk Alaskan winter night. I was going to hang out in my favorite book store, when those big brown eyes and her cherry full lips caught my attention.

I knew I had to meet this woman.. But how would I do this? What if she blows me off? I looked at the book she was reading, and I knew the book, and the author’s work. I approached her, drawing all my self confidence together as I neared her.

Excuse me; is that “Winter Walk” by Loretta Outwater Cox? She looked up and smiled, Said, “yes it is, have you read it?” Her beautiful brown eyes were so memorizing. I smiled back, “Yes I have” She asked me to sit down and talk with her… My heart was beating so fast, I was so worried, would I even be able to talk, or would I just mumble and trip all over my words…

We introduced ourselves… We had lived in the same town, and even had some friend of common, but never met. This black haired, brown eye, full lips beautiful woman had the biggest smile… I felt like I already knew her. As she talked, I watched every detail, her body language, her eyes, her smile… I took in that sweet voice, her words sounded like music; her laugh was a back up singer to the words.

We finished up our drinks, and laughed and carried on for a while.. Then I had to know, “would you like to have dinner with me, Monique?” It seemed like hours, days; I could only hear my heart beat as I waited nervously for her answer. Her lips moved, that sweet voice, fell across my ears, “that would be very nice, Thank you, yes”

I had to make myself breathe in, she had said yes… she wanted to see me again.

We walked together to our cars, and said our good byes. As I watch her pull away, I was thinking to myself, that upcoming Friday is so far away, and would I ever make it through the week to get to see my new friend, Monique.

Seeing Monique Again:

Friday night came, I took a shower, trimmed up my beard, put on some nice clothes, and dealt with my butterflies in my stomach. I called Monique and she told me how to get to her house, and she mentioned she was excited to see me again…

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Christmas - divorcing reality

As I twist the top off this bottle, I am divorcing reality. Unleashing the demons that live inside me. I try to shake off the stress of everyday life. Numbing the hurt, one feels inside this time of the year.
Once inside this bottle, reality goes away, I will come out as someone else, someone dark? Someone shy?
My Body numbs, As I crave to slumber, My arms are heavy like my heart, Will I ever feel complete again, Will I ever trust anyone every again. Will they hurt me like the past.

Will I have to stay close to this bottle to survive day by day? My 175 lbs, feels like a rag doll as reality leaves me behind like all the rest in my life. Stainds in the background with my theme songs

I long to just feel good, complete for one moment in life?, A inter-peace so I can feel less pain, more happiness.

Christmas is suppose to be happy, loving, joyful, etc.....
I feel it now, as the demons escape from my inter-self. I will lay down in a while and pass out, sadly to wake up back into reality, to face the happiness, the holidays, all the Bullshit that goes with this season.

I really wish Jesus still walked this earth so he could confront those who hurt us, who has denounced his name, his reason for being, his bride...
Will this heal me, no! But would it help, yes!


As life moves on, its our choice to stay in one place, skipping like an old record, stuck in one place or to move on...
If we move on, what do we leave behind, what do we take with us..

how do we know we are worth it to be with the person that wants us? Maybe the last person was right and we aren't worth shit. Should I let the current person go, save her the hurt, the pain I will cause, the heartbreak?

Maybe I am meant to be alone? Maybe the super powers to be, don't want me to have anyone at all...

Another sip, I slip down further... I really don't have to be anywhere till Tuesday, I can blow off anyone and everyone in the next 24 hrs...

How can I love someone when I question the love for myself? How can we love 0urselves? Doesn't God call this a sin?
Who is this god? Where is he? Why does he let the bad people of our lives, screw us over and walk away and go on living? Why doesn't he cause them to have the pain they caused us?

I was taught, never to hate someone, but that has changed, in the last couples years...

I really don't think hate is what I really feel, just wish them to suffer, to get hurt, screwed like they did me and others...
I wish that God would take the pain that these people caused their kids, and multiply it times 100 times and put it back on to them, to suffer, to get screwed, to hurt, to be let down...To get F*d over!
Reality is slipping fast, do I drink the other half of the bottle? Do I just let it take effect and lay down and pass out for hours?

I wish I had someone to sleep by, who didn't love me so much, who could just hold me and be a body next to me...I would feel so much better..
Merry Christmas....

When I can no longer drink you in


When time comes to never be able to drink you in, what will I do? Will I have to find a new cup to sip from? Will I give up drinking? Can I ever sober up from you?
Will you go sour from lack of being sipped from? Will you stale over lack of my lips?
Will the world still go around? Will it come to a sudden stop, or slowly slow down?
As my skin is ripped from my body, with all the memories from the past, will the future skin protect me and make me warm and secure?
my mind begs to be erased, to start fresh, to be reformatted. My heart, is held together by threads from being torn apart before.... Will it ever mend or will I have to keep stitching it up.
My feet are sore from the search of the right place in life to be, to be warm, and safe.
My lips are dry, begging for a touch, to be used again, do touch yours again.
As I slumber off to bed, my head is full of all kinds of thoughts, memories, hopes and fears...
What will tomorrow bring....

the demons inside us

When do we stop fighting the demons inside us, those that wants to make us feel unwanted, those who make us feel sad...

Those who makes us want to be like others...Its an endless fight, If you get happy, they want to be happier.

If you are satisified the want more...

We struggle on the inside, trying not to show it on the outside...

Sometimes we feel like we are drowning in all the chaos inside of us, but to the rest of the world we look like we are tired, or maybe distracted?

When do you reach out to those around you and ask them to throw you a life vest? When do you tell them what is going on inside you?

Then life still pours more on...As if you dont have enough you get more poured on you...and it adds to the arena inside ya...

jumping into a bottle or drugs does not help us, banging our head against a wall doesnt help... Screaming or kicking doesnt help...

When will it stop, only when I stop and fall back to dirt and dust?

When my soul is in a coma where is my friends? Do they even miss me? do they even know i am gone? When will they say hey, Tony's not around?

Breathe in Breathe out...

Will we ever meet? adult content

Once a week, I deliver to your work. You always seem to light up when i walk in. You are always so nicely dressed, is this for me, or do you do it daily? I love how you make time for me, you make sure you are the one who waits on me, almost silently fighting off the other women. The moment I walk in the door, I am caught up in your perfume's scent.. Like a drug, I inhale it more, getting high off it, wishing i could smell it daily. do you know i am single, do you know I long for you?

How do I tell you how bad i want ya? How i want to get to know you, touch you, be with you.? Do you feel the same way? Do you think of me everyday or when you see a fire truck or a beer truck?

I was delivering over at freds and was putting away some wine, when your perfume hit my nose...I knew the scent and I jumped up, hoping to see you there and maybe talk off the clock...but it wasnt you... My heart sank. Do i love you from a distance, i think of you whenever I have a moment to think.. I think of you when im alone, when im with someone. Are you single? Would you go out with me if i asked?

Sometimes I think of you and smell that perfume and get turned on. i think of that long flowing blonde hair, how i would love to run my hands through it, how i long to brush it and braid it for you.
I think of that silky white skin, how i long to touch it, feel the baby smooth softeness of it. I want to run my hands all over you, touching you, every inch of you. Will you want my hands to be rough, naturally, or should i soften them up for you.

I long to kiss those ruby red lips, they are so sex, and i just am dying to lay my lips across them to feel the moisture and heat from yours. I know if we were to kiss, all the passion we have built up for each other would break free in that moment , that kiss. It wouldnt be the nice friendly kiss, no it would be more of a kiss from a lover who has been gone too long, and it is the start of things to come.

Then we would have to work on those breast, they are just the right size, not too much but not too small, I have always wanted to show them attention since that first day, in that silky blue shirt you like to wear. Thinkin of it, you seem to always have that one, ever wednesday when i stop by. Hmmmmmmm no, you wouldnt be trying to attract me with these lucious breast? Why would you, You have your looks, smile and those legs that are so long and so inshape.

I cant handle these thoughts, not being around you daily... I want you, I want to love you, to romance you.

I walk right up to you, Sheri, I really enjoy this short period of time that we always have together, and i love how you look and smell. do you think you could find it in ya, to have dinner with me tonight after work?

The phone rings, you smile and walk away to answer it. Its your best friend so you talk and talk and talk... Time passes... I slowly lower my head, you know I want to go out with you, but I have to get on with work....Will you ever answer me? will i ever know an answer to this? What do i do about next week.....

I leave your invoice on your desk, and slowly walk out.. Did I just sit myself up for my heart to be ripped out and hurt? Did I just fail, and when nothing comes of this then i know i failed?

That night I dream of you, i dream of us making love, us touching every inch of each other, i dream of us kissing madly, we hold each other, we roll around, we explore each other... But as the dream gets hot, and we start getting closer to the end, in the dream I finally climax, i start talking to you, please baby, cum for me, cum all over me. I reach up and pull back your hair, to look into your eyes and there is no face, you are faceless...I wake up, sweating and breathing hard. I look around for you, Im confused, which part is real and which is not... I go get a drink, sit down on the couch and fall asleep.

The next day, I am delivering somewhere and when i come out to my truck, there you are. Hello! wow..what a surprise, I hope you dont mind you say. Not at all..

You go into telling me how when you got down off the phone, you ran to the back of your store, and I was gone, you heart was beating fast, you look for a note, something to say hey i meant what i what i said.. But there was nothing.

Last night every time I slept I could only dream of you and me..(you reach over and take my hand). I want to have dinner with you every night if at all possible, and more.

We hugged and shared that first kiss, it was slow, and very passionite. I pulled out my cell phone and typed in your number, you did the same. I told you what time I was suppose to be off by. You smiled, I will be waiting for you, and you pulled out a piece of paper, handing it too me, you smile, you can pick me up here, no better yet, dinner will be waiting for you, I have a shower, and all you need to bring is yourself and some clothes.

My heart is pounding, I give you another kiss and climb into my truck and pull away..

Battle Fields of life

As I look across the battle fields of life, I look at all the carnage & Blood shed from the mistakes i made in the past.

I wonder who are my enemies and how are my friends, real friends?

Through the Chaos and Distruction I wonder around trying to find a direction, direction in life, which way do i go?

What will the next battle field bring, who in my life will i loose or will I loose myself?

are you real?

Sometimes we meet people who we connect with, we chat, talk, share ideas, dreams or past, etc..
our likes, dislikes, and more..
We become close and then one day their gone... Why? is it because we really didnt connect?
is it we really werent friends?
Is it cause they weren't real?

How many people on this site are real friends, how many would have you to their house, meet their families, even acknowledge you if you were visiting thier town.

If you walked into thier work place would they even know you? If they do know you, will they say hi, will they even talk to you?

Why when you make "friends" dont u stay friends?
Why must people just stop the communication, stop the friendship, so being themselves.

IF they heard something about me, why dont they ask me, isnt that what a real friend would do? Wouldnt a real friend come to you and say man i heard this shit about you, and i cant imagine you doing it?

Wouldnt real friends believe me over whom ever is spreading the rumors?

For those that understand what im saying, for those who arent real, thanks for wasting my time...

nice guys always finish last , if they finish

okay i played the bullentin game yesterday and did one about nice guys...
well nice guys finish last sometimes, but most of the time, they dont finish.
i have been really thinking about tatooing myself, getting a bike, getting fat and, treating women like crap!
to see if i can get a woman in this town...
but there are my friends, NEW and old who like me for me being a nice guy, but will they want me around for life, will they fall in love witth me, will my niceness drive them away too..
or should i start eating, icecream and pork grinds!
so when you women say you want a nice guy! mean it!

what life deals ya!

with every day or every changing season, life deals us something new, and as a good friend of mine says, "there is a reason for everything that happens and everyone you meet."

well when life deals us something that isnt plain and in black and white, we have to try to decide what to do about it...how to handle it, what to make of it.

Some things we might have to wait for, are they worth the wait? what happens if we wait and its now how we thought it would be?

then to throw in a twist, you have to deal with emotions, your heart, feeling, love, hurt....

but will it all be worth it...?

corner of life

as i stand here on the corner of life and death, looking about to see what is going to pass me by.

i wonder why are you here? what purpose do you serve? are you really here for me, to love me, to be with me?

i then come to reality, its not possible, you are not available, you can't be mine. Why do you stick in my head, why do you stick in my heart

why does your voice, your pictures, bring a smile to my face... Why does our lives cross now? Why not later when you can be with me?

can i love you if i can't have you? will you love me back? will you tell me how you feel towards me? will you at least acknowledge that you care for me, that you wish we could be together if time was different?

i will fall asleep dreaming of you, i will wake up thinking of you, i will walk alone in my life without you...

thanks for being a friend ....

emptiness

when one has emptiness inside themselves and they wonder if it will ever be filled up, filled up with the right person...

will they ever meet her, know her, hold her...

what if he has already met her and she pushed him away

will he get a second chance? will their paths meet, again?

what is next for him, does he just build the walls up so high, that no one else can get it? why not stay so empty, so hollow, so incomplete?

why is this, "wonderful" man doomed to be lonely forever?

The Final brick in the wall.

With the loss of my two closest friends, the last brick slides into place in my walls.

I am now alone I can't be hurt anymore! I can't allow anyone to get close again, to say they love me, to hurt me.

If I allow that, I will have breached the wall, I will have spent all these years building it, for what?

What have I gained by doing this? Will I really be safe, and not get hurt. How do I deal with the cold, the loneliness?

Does this mean I have to be by myself? Alone forever?

In between my legs...........Adult Content!

In between my legs is a place where we can excape life's trouble. When laying there with you, I feel so secure, so content.

The feeling of two of us making it, just seems to make life seem so much better. Life isnt that bad after all.

You pull me in tighter, Begging me for more, Begging me never to let it end.

Sweat forms between us, mixing our two bodies together. Mixing us like music. The music we make together is so sweet, so pure.

We both know we have never had someone feel this way with us before, we explore each others bodies, each others souls, hearts and mind.

When the physical part of it is over, we begin a new dance, a dance of snuggling, cuddling, and holding each other, falling fast asleep, secure into each others arms.

Only to wake up a couple hours later and start the nibbling, teasing, and touching. Which leads to one of us rolling over and climbing on top of the other...

God do i miss having a lover...

you

you come into my life, saying you are a friend, you get close, close enough to hurt me, to hurt me for a long time.
you told me to trust you, you told me you were different, but you were not.
you were like the rest, you came, you got what you wanted, you left.
you got ahold of my heart, you ripped it out, you threw it on the ground and stepped on it..
then you pull the I care for you, I love you, I want you shit.
Basically just kicking dirt on my heart and stepping on it over and over again.
thanks for everything you did as a friend, i will always think of you that way.

A painful tear


What is in a tear?

is it really water and salt, or is it a part of you dying due to the pain that caused the tear.?

Is the tear made up of blood? of tissue, molecules, etc... of is it a tear made up of pain and sorrow.

Why do we have to hurt or feel loneliness? why do we have to cry? What do we gain from it? Usually no one is around so its not for attention, its not for clearing the tear ducts. Why?

I feel like I should be crying blood all the time with the empty, sad, lonely feelings i feel. Why when i was giving my all to a family and my ex destroys it, have i been punished since. Why dont I deserve someone to be with, spend time with, have special moments with? Why can't i feel love, affection again. Why is there mean people out there, who want to hurt me, use me?

Will I ever be loved again? wanted again? happy again?

When will people stop hurting in the name of love? if you love someone make it work, don't run away, dont say the hurtful things.

I cry another bloody tear drop

what we take for granted

we take the air we breath for granted. The blood we pump in our veins is always there. The feeling of love is there sometimes buried under deep walls for protection, but always there...

when these three things are living and growing and you feel them daily, hourly, every minute, second..you take them for granted.

but with in one sentence, one good bye, all three can feel like they are so gone. That feeling you can't breathe after someone tells you they dont want to be around you for life. The light headness you feel from the lack of blood in your system due to the "there is someone else"

The hurt/love you feel when that someone is gone..that someone walks away, when you can't have that someone anymore...

We are told love is so important in life, we are taught to seek it, from a young age, some people die while looking for love. If its so important why is it so disposible?

Why do we not cheerish love... why do we not cheerish working on relationships?

Why do we keep those that hurt us and those who dont love us around, while we PUSH those who do away?

The Bottle


As I empty this bottle, that brings me peace.
How long will It last?
How long till I hurt Again?
Will Happiness ever replace this bottle?

Will Happiness and Love ever be welcome again in this body?
Why does one have to suffer so much on the road to love?
Why isnt love easily found? Easily had? Easily Enjoyed?

When using a bottle, at least the pain goes away, Numbness sets in, but for what? an hour, 9 hours, a night?
Only to wake up again and feel the pain, the emptiness, the loneliness.

My vains run cold with my blood, the blood that keeps me alive, the blood that keeps me wanting to feel loved again.
Why not cut these vains, allowing those wants to escape? allowing the urges of love to pour out my arms, onto the ground where the dirt will over power them and kill there needs.

If one rips his heart out, will the wants, the needs, the urges go away?
When we are dead and cold, in the ground, do we still lust for life, happiness, love?

While love ever stop hurting? Will love ever feel good, will love ever be real? Will love ever be true?

They say we are to love ourselves, our flesh, our bones, our mind, our souls. But how can we love those things that beg, that wishes for more? they are not happy with me, why would I be happy with them, they don't love me, why would I love them?

When should I give up on love? When will I ever stop wanting to be loved?
When will I stop breathing, and return to the ground?

physical conquer? or Just Keeping you warm?

As I lay beside you, and watch you sleep, I wonder to myself, am I a quest or am I a lover?

When will that day come when all will change between us?

How can something be missing from the music we make together?

When are together, It seems almost like love, but once we step outside that bedroom door, all things change.

When you walk away from me, it wont be out of love or with love...It will be all about you, and you dont care how much I hurt.

How can something so physical, feel so good, but in the end will hurt so much?

One day I will find someone who wants to stay with me in and out of the bed....

Who is It I wait For?


Who is It I wait for?
What will she look like?
Who will she be?
Is it someone I know or Someone I will meet?
Will She be Beautiful?
Will she be tall?
Who is It I wait For?

Brotherhood


Will the pain ever go away? Probably not as we keep those we lost on 9/11 or those killed in the line of duty, alive in our hearts.
Brotherhood is stronger than even the tallest mountain because it doesnt disappear with time.
Brotherhood is when you can walk into danger and know the guy or gal with you, wont leave you behind.
They will stand fast beside you, as you look into the eyes of the dragon.

Brotherhood is being able to trust those you work with, knowing that with in their supernatural powers they wont let you anything happen to you on your shift.

not losing the pain from the loss!

as the pain in my heart screams to be released, i choke back the tears and the outer emotions.

It was years ago I shouldnt hurt when the moment is mentioned, why to I feel like crying when i hear of that moment!

I have been told to toughen up, get over it, but how, why?

I lost so much, it hit so close to home!

am I ready to think about it in full? am I ready to see an re-an-actment of it?

Why did i have to loss so much, why does my gut still wrench at the sound of that date!

I cry all the time over the thought of it!

I would have done the same thing, and I would be there with my brothers and sisters!

9-11 will we ever get over it!

I miss all of you We lost that day!

sorry I wasnt there with you!
I will keep you alive in my heart, soul and mind!

My sisters and brothers in NEW YORK! at the trade center!

a piece of meat

when we go out and meet people specially at bars, why dont we just hang ourselves up on meat hooks and strut our stuff?

why is it that sex is good enough for two people when relationships arent?

Why is it we will promise the world to each other when screwing but outside of bed, we screw each other over anyway we can.

When words are spoken and the actions are only there in bed, one should know that he or she is only being used.


*this was written years ago... but after the last two gals I knew it holds true today*

Nobody's Someone


I long for the day to meet someone who wants to be friends first, spend time wth me, laugh and hang out

Someone who doesnt have boundries around her heart

Someone who won't be scare of what they start feeling in their heart

Someone who wants to be around even when things get tough

Someone who wants to be into my world, and life as much as I am into hers.

Someone who wants more than sex to make the relationship

Someone who wont climb over the fence when the grass on the other side looks greener

Someone who wants a partner to stand beside her, not lead me or not follow me
Someone who wants to be someone's someone.

In my arms

In my arms your body presses up against mine

In my arms our heart beats become as one

In my arms the real world seems so far away

In my arms you fall asleep knowing I am looking over you

In my arms you find love, affection, and a safe haven

In my arms you fit perfect

Thoughts through blood filled tears.............


There is a chill that is down to my heart,

My heartbeat is muffled by the coldness around my heart

My skin is just there, there is no sensation in it

My eyes see in black and white

My mind know longer thinks beyond staying alive

My blood is slushy with ice build up with in it

My soul sits in a dark pit, listening for anything

I no longer feel emotions, just emptiness

I long for heat from someone's body close to mine

Someone to unthaw my frozen heart

To melt down the Ice walls around it

Someone to bring sunlight into my soul

Someone to get my blood flowing again

Someone to show me how to handle love again

Well you get behind the walls?

Or will you only see over them?

Will you have what it takes to remove the bricks of distrust?

Will you choke my heart or make it grow?

I long to laugh again, to love again.

Will this happen in this life time?

Did i miss the turnoff for life of happiness?

Did over look you?

Have I met you yet?

Thoughts through blood filled tears.............

who is this person in the mirror


When i look in the mirror in the morning

I am not sure who i see.

I see old age

I see someon out of shape

I see someone alone

I see someone who tire

I see someoe I do not know

I see someone I do not want to know

He looks so tired

He looks so stressed

He looks so old

He looks so out of shape

He looks so unhappy

He looks like me

Inside my walls

As my walls come down after meeting you, I stripped myself down to my bones. I am standing in the darkest, coldest place anyone can be without their walls.
You dont pass judgment, or run away, Instead you wrap yourself around me and tell me all is okay, and you will always be here for me.
I am not sure how long I can stand here, unprotected, vunerable, scared.
But until you pull away from me, I will stay right here, with you.

A swamp called "my past"


As I sit back and watch you wade through the swamp I call "my past"

I only have two wonders:

Will you come out the other end looking for me with open arms?

Or will you wonder off, bothered by mistakes that bring me to you?

Will you be fair or will you be judgemental?

Will you run away or will you stay and love me?

Can you love me for what/who I am today?

Or will you not love me today for what/who I was in the past?

Should I love you as you are today? or as you were in the past?

end of a quest

After years and years of slaying the dragon we call relationships, i find myself in my "camelot", my place of peace.
I have sharpened my skills as a swordsman to fight through the remainder of my life, to protect myself from being hurt again.
But you seem to be my conquest of peace and love I have always searched for.
you take me in your arms, that are like walls, that will protect me and hold me everyday.
Your heart is like a drug, exciting me one moment and calm me the next.
your words arent harsh like those of the past, they are like a gentle like an early morning snow fall, soft, pleasant, and peaceful.
For where we are, where we go as long as its the two of us, I know i will never have to defend myself against false love. I will stand beside you and hold you near to feed our love for one another, forever...

my heart and soul bleeds...............


my heart & soul bleeds for your acceptance

I just want you to love me for who I am, not what you think I should be.

I am who I am, I am build from the inside out, Hard shell in some places, soft tissue in other, that hurts with pain, pain from love, pain from rejections, pain from just being alive!

I wish I could just shed my skin and lose all the hurt, and pain from my past to be someone with no baggage from the past.

I have lived a full life, I have conquered some, fought others, loved many, cried over a few, died inside many times over, But i still walk among those alive in this life.

When I have to force my lungs to open up and inhale, I cry inside, cause I have to live for another minute in this hell they call life

I have found true love, but instead of it being pure white and joyful, it has its moments of that, and then others of cold steal ripping through my soul, mind and heart from all the insults, and criticism . Before I can repair those injured areas, I hear the sound of the cold steal ripping through the air coming at me again.

Yes I have a past, I see those faces of those who said they loved me every time I close my eyes, when I sit in a quite room, I hear all the voices of those who promised me they would be with me forever, only to walk away and leave me alone in this cold, dark, sick humorous place they call life

I dream, when i can clear my head long enough, to think about you wrapping your arms around me, and kissing me, laying beside me and making life seem worth living, I love your kisses and your skin against mine. Then the hatched falls on the moment, when you say those three words, and promise me a life time of happiness with you.

Why can't you just live in the moment, why can't you just savor that moment when our bodies touch, when we feel the heat between us, when our hearts beat at the same time, in the same beat?

Why do we have to look at the future, why make promises you or I can't keep? Why lie to each other? Why not love me for the moment! love me for this minute, not next hour!

I must face my nightmares again, alone, by myself, to see those faces, hear those voices. One day I will see your face, hear your voice with all those of the past.

I must breathe in again, just for this minute.

A*holes at YAHOO

i guess they closed down the 360 pages... so all my poems on there are gone... I didnt have a backup copy.....
Damn it they were so good!

what is love?

Is love something we really know what we are looking for? Or is a myth or story we were told when we were younger, the princess and knight?

Is love something we think up as our ideal person, even if its not a normal person? what if we dream up someone to perfect, will we ever find love?

Is love something that happens if you are in the right place at the right time? or is it something that you will find, cause you are suppose to, because its part of your future?

How do we know that we haven't met love and past it by?

After the Storm

Written on 11/01/01
Dedicated to My friends over the last 6 months!
Thanks You!



Like a new seed fighting to get through the ground,
Like a new butterfly breaking out of it's cocoon,
Like a baby trying to get out of it's mother,

I was beaten down by a passing storm,
who's rains of lies, it's winds of deceit,
It's darkness of being someone that she wasn't
left me struggling for my survival ,
Surviving to be myself, and to feel again,

Can one love after someone has hurt them so bad?
How can one feel secure with anyone again?
If it feels right, will it go bad again?
Am I to trust anyone? Can I trust you ?

Then your smile came into my life!
I felt the sun of your beauty on my face
Would it warm up my heart?
Could you stand to be with me? Do you like me for me?
To be my friend, to hug me, to make me laugh
to spend time with me.

Was this just a break in the clouds or a new day? Would it stay or would it go away?
The laughter we share make me grow inside feeling alive again,
To feel someone's loving arms around me to hug me to say, "you are all right."
Is so good for a broken heart!

The complements that we share, telling each other how good we look, how nice we are,
Are like food to a growing baby, We both can grow from them.
We both have wounds that need healing, to get over the hurt we both feel.
I'm so glad that we met, I'm so glad we have time to share some of our pain, laughter,
and tears with each other....I will always be here for you as a friend, to hold you when you
need it, to cry with you, Just to be your friend!

I'M SO GLAD THAT WE ARE FRIENDS!

The Ships

There once was a guy, who had a big heart, who loved to help people, to be around people..He very seldom thought of himself...

His heart was big enough to love alot of people, his family, a woman, a kid, cats, dogs.... But something wasn't right he could keep anybody loving him, he really didnt know what to do...He was so lonely and tired and scared inside.

He was hitting his middle ages, and found older women didn't want to adjust thier ways to make room for him...Younger women had to venture out in the world and find "themself" to be able to live life with this guy who was right. But they never came back, it was like watching a boat sail off into the ocean and never come back....

One person (one boat), would never be back, was carrying something, someone extra....The love that the two had shared, was conceived into a baby, a baby he would never know due to the person sailing off to find herself.

Would she tell the baby about his/her father, would they ever know that it's father would have given his life for it's mom...That mom could have had anything, the guy would have worked day and night to make her happy, without taking away from himself...He loved this woman more than any other woman and would never love a woman again like he had loved this one.

Why couldn't this woman stay she promised the world to this man, offered herself to him in her interity. She held him tight and told him things would be better when things were so bad. She told him she would be by his side forever, and that nothing could come between thier love... She wanted nothing else in life but him and to marry him and have his babies.

The Guy fell for all this...and gave up his only other thing in his life, helping the sick and the needing, He had been a firefighter who loved his work, but with the promise of something so much greater and so filling he was able to give up this small piece of his life and move on to something so promising and so positive.

Not only did his insides change but his outer appearance did too, he started taking better care of himself and it showed, his family and friends could see the happieness in this guy...They all asked what had come over him, why did he look so happy and look so good, better than he had ever before.....The guy could smile and say, "I got the girl!" and that was all he had to say, those who didn't understand smiled and walked away, but those who knew him, smiled and watched him and the girl walk and live happily together.

One day the girl didn't seem herself, and told the guy he had to go for she could have her room to find out what was wrong with herself....The guy couldn't understand, he didn't know what to think and couldn't breathe, he just wanted to waste away and die without the girl.

He told the girl that once she sail away that she would never be back, that thier love would never be so strong, she couldn't believe this and wanted him to go, so he told her in black and white, "I will go because I love you, but when you realize your mistake I will be gone!" She couldn't handle the thought of life without him, she couldn't throw the dice, and take the chance of missing the snake eyes.

They said they would work on there love, and her feelings, to find out one week later, that she was pregnant with this guys kid! This was a exciting time, was this the final block in the wall, they loved each other so much and thier dreams was to be together and love so much, and have a family...Yes this was the answer....

One more week later, the guy and girl fight, and again, she says to him, leave, I need to be without you to find myself...to find out what is wrong with me...The guy finally breaks down and shows real emotions, the emotions that he had been feeling, for sometimes, that he couldn't live without her...How could she do this, what about the baby, and what about us....

The girl thinks about it, talks to a couple of people, and comes back holding on tighter than before and saying that she loves this guys so much, and can't wait to have this baby and for them to be together....The next week is so full, so alive with each other, holding, cuddling, talking, being with each other...

One night the guy comes home from work, to find the girl restless and not being able to sleep, and crying...She says, that the hole in her life is still there, and she needs to sail away to to find out what is there, but cant because she owes it to this guy to stay, and have his baby, and stay together forever...

The guy with the big heart, looks into her eyes and out of love tells her to go away and sail on, that he will never love again, and will never feel for anyone one again...but will always love her, and the baby he will never know....

What if the kid isn't his? What if this love they shared hadn't been real ? What if she was just using him, a rebound? All of his friends had warned him of her, that she would break his heart!, that she never stays in one port long! Could this Be true? Would he ever know?

This guy could live working all the time, and wrapping himself up in to hockey, putting his life, no his heart on ice, maybe he could swallow his pride and go back to fighting fires, and saving people and getting what he needs out of life, from that....But would it be enough? Would it fill the void that now is in his life, his heart, his soul.

Could this guy get up in the morning and put on his professional face, and go to work and live life as if nothing ever had happen? Would he be able to make his chest raise and fall every minute of the day like his body needed, would his heart continue to pump blood or would it die of heart break....Would it go on hurting or would it ever stop feeling like it had done so many times before...?

Tony Roof 1998
a note from the author....the kid is not his!

The pain

Why is it that one of the greatest pains in the world, is caused by one of the greatest gifts called LOVE?

Isn't LOVE suppose to be the greatest happiness in the world?

So what we are taught is that LOVE is the greatest gift we can give to each other.

But what we are really taught is to really hurt each other in the name of LOVE?

Does one tell someone I LOVE you, but really mean, I plan to rip your heart out and leave a large hole there?

After this step, then we are suppose to trust everyone to LOVE us for real?

Is LOVE real? If LOVE is real, why do we hurt each other so much?

Why do we hurt so much when we are in LOVE?

Why does the one's we LOVE leave us, physically?

Why can't we stop loving the ones who hurt us the most?

The one that seem right, that perfect LOVE is really holding something inside

that will come out and destroy that security of LOVE.

We always seem to run from one hurt to another, oh I mean one LOVE to another LOVE.

Forgiveness

After awaking to my senses from falling into temptation
I see a snake slither away, "sssss...I will be back"
I think to myself, "I'm Stronger than this!"
I fall on my face, "Lord - Please forgive me for I have sinned!"
A gentle breeze blows over with a calming affect.
The Holy Spirit speaks to me -"He forgives you, and LOVES you..."
....As another drop of blood falls from the cross of Calvary.....

waves

As I stand by the ocean of life
Waves of Love lap 'round my feet.
I ponder, I wonder, I wonder...
Which one should I greet?

How do I know where to wade?
So many waves beckoning me...
Swelled with lust they caress,
Tempting my toes to the sea.

Smooth and shiny, the wave of Good Looks
Washes around my knees.
Cautiously I take a step
But find I'm ill at ease.

Waves of desperation,
Of jealousy, hurt and fear,
Those of little feeling,
And regretfulness are here.

But the most beautiful waves I've found
In an Ocean here of strife
Are the waves of total innocense
That make the better life.

The ones caressing not just my feet
And tempting body part,
Are those who cleanse me, touching soul...
I'll jump into their heart!

I'll float in a sea of laughter
Paddle the boat of content,
Leap into the sea of love...
Live life as the Master meant.

A younger flower

There once was a young flower, who seemed more mature than the others her age. She was into the arts, music, not wanting to waste her life away on sex and drugs.

So she decided to take a look through the fence of ages, what she saw was the older flower and how they lived their lives.

So she weave herself through the fence to socialize with the older flowers, making herself feel grownup.

She was insecure about what she was doing, so she kept her roots with her peers and the pedals with

her elders, so depending on her moods, she could stay with her younger friends, or hang out with the grownups.

When an older male flower befriended her, she loved the attention, conversation, and the time spent together, but the other flowers made comments about their age difference, how he was old and losing his pedals, while she was too young to know what it felt like to have real pedals. The older male flower stood his ground, telling everyone they where friends, and nothing more, while the female flower pulled herself back through the fence and retreated to her roots and peers, and ignored the male flower even though they were suppose to be friends..

My hunger for my new love

My Hunger
How I long to fast on your beauty.
I starve for your lips, your touch.
My mouth waters for your lips to touch mine.
To taste your skin as we hold each other close.
Savoiry your laughter in my mind.
To gorge myself on your happiness
To be full with your love

Only to wake up every morning hungry again....

The fire

I wake from a deep sleep in a warm bed to the sounds of buzzers and bells ringing, we are being called out to a smoke investigation, possible apartment fire.


Seven firefighters rush to the apparatus bays1. We start to get dressed in our bunker gear2. The dispatcher comes on the radio and states that the alarm is confirmed as an apartment fire. I am riding left jumpseat3 on the engine this morning, training a rookie firefighter4. I start strapping on my scott pack5 as the engine pulls out of the bay. The morning is lite up with red and blue lights flashing. I started thinking to myself, I'm the nozzleman today, this meaning I must grab the hosepack and I will be first in. Doubts start sitting in my mind, we have been called here before for confirmed apartment fires when someone burnt their toast.


The engine doesn't even get stopped and our assist Chief is calling for a skidload. "We have a working fire!" Yelled my lieutenant, "Let's go, skidload now!" I jump out of the jumpseat, grab the hosepack from the rear compartment and as I come around the end of the engine finding red and orange flames dancing from the window, door and roof of the apartment. I feel the adrenalen rush every firefighter experinces, I have the nozzle, this is my fire! I would be battling a monster of heat and flames in a dimension that man called, "Fire"


I can hear different voices yelling,"Let's go!" and "Hey can't you move any faster, my apartments above this one?" and "I think they're still in there!"


I threw my hosepack down at the front door and hook my regulator6 into my mask. My co-worker, the other jumpseater, arrives with the supply line. We hook the two together and get ready.


It seems like years, centuries, even light years, before I have water. I open up my nozzle, and hear the whistling of the air from the line. Looking back, I can see the water surging through the line, like a mad snake slithering across the ground. I have water! "Let's go!" I yell as I start into the entrance. The water starts cooling down the flames. The apartment goes black, steam and heat roll out of the door. I start down the stairs. Like a flash of lighting, the whole apartment and entrance way flash over7. I am fully involved in orangish-red flames. I can see my little girl's face, and hear my girlfriend say, "Be careful, I love you." I know that I had to overcome my fears and knock this fire backwards and put it out. I open the nozzle and the water pushs the flames back into the apartment.


At this time we retreat and go to the window and ratt8 the nozzle around and knock the fire back down. We go for the front door again and start to kick ass on the fire. The heat is intense. There are flames everywhere I look. It is a challenge, through the smoke and flames to find my way around this apartment. We make our way through this maze, like rats trying to find food. I know how a hotdog on the grill feels, I feel like I am on fire. In my four years in the service, this is the hottest fire I have been in.


All I can hear is the water bursting into steam, and falling to the floor like a heavy rain in August. Once in awhile I can hear crackling, like a bowl of Rice Crispy's amplified. There is still fire somewhere! I couldn't see anything at all, the smoke is down to the floor and black as night in late November in Alaska.


Every door has something new behind it. Is there anyone in here? Are they going to be alive or dead? Finally, after what seems like hours of heat and flames is only twenty-five minutes, the fire is out.


All that is left, is a burnt skeleton of what use to be someone's apartment. We saved the rest of the complex. I think there is a couch, maybe an end table. Pictures lie on the floor, with edges burned, sort of looking like antiques. Nothing else, looks like anything particular, just ash and soot.


We spend another hour on scene, cleaning up hose, and water vacuuming the apartments adjacent to the fire. Finally the word comes, we can go home and put our apparatus back in service and get cleaned up.


Back at the station with the apparatus, we resupply it with hose, and air packs, and clean the tools and the engine. With the appratus back in service, I wash my face and arms and watch the black soot run down the drain, thinking about this morning. Wow what a hot fire. It was great. Every firefighter dreams about this.


One more thing before I can hit the shower, I need to put my Scott mask9 back into service. After rinsing it off, and starting to scrub it, I find the plastic bubbled, melted down. I went numb. This mask had been on my face and it's rated to eighteen hundred degrees before failing. I take a deep breath, and have this urge to go look into the mirror to see if I'm okay, alive?


In the mirror, like a different world, I find this face of a firefighter with burns on his face and fear in his eyes. Have I lost my touch?. Am I ever going to be able to go back into a fire, and keep my cool, or am I through?. I know that it is going to take another call to find out these answers. I will have to wait.


For now, I am safe back home in the firehall, waiting for the bells and buzzers to go off!!


Footnotes:
1. Engine garages
2. Protective gear worn by firefighters.
3. Outside seat were firefighters ride on the engine.
4. New firefighter.
5. Air bottles worn by firefighters.
6 Part of the airpack that fits into the mask, that let's you breathe
7. Happens when hot gases finds a flame still burning and explode.
8. Putting the nozzle into a window opening it, and twirling it around, till the fire dies down.
9. Mask worn with Scott bottle.

a walk in life

Today you take my hand and walk through our past lives...
As we walk down the broken wooden boards of yesterday, under the shattered tarps of promises from others, we smile at each other and continue on.
We come up to warn down shacks, what is left of our memories of those we spent time with.. We slowly walked through each one, picking up memories to make us stronger and better people in the future.
a memory here, a memory there... You learn from my mistake, I learn from yours. When we get down there, we move on...
Next we come to a muddy street, caused from all the tears we cried over our past, loved ones we lost, those we thought we loved, but didn't. Those friends and family we trusted who let us down.
You look at me, and sadly ask, "is there anything colorful and happy around here." I smiled and said yes... I take your hand we hang a left, there is Statues and awards everywhere, From us being understanding dealing with those who hurt us.. I point at one, dealing with those who are hung up on substances. "that one is for you"
Another one, "being there for all those you don't know.." You smile, "you being a firefighter!"
We both smile, and walk on...We met our Lord and Savior as we headed back to our lives, he smiled, "please my children, learn from what you have seen, take what you know and use it in the future to love each other, to help each other, and those you don't know...
I love ya, remember me...I died for you...
I take your hand, we hug him and walk back into today to face the future with our new knowledge, and love for other...
We round the corner and start dealing with our ex's, our crazy friends, the politics of our jobs, and other things.

A new ending

How can one expect me to be happy when i can't be with them? How can one love someone who doesnt want me around?
Why do we have to feel anything for anyone? When it hurts my friend isnt there to help me through it. When it feels good you are there.
I can no longer cry, I have hardened my heart, My eyes will not fill up with tears. My heart keeps cracking in the same spot, my mind is so numb, why think. My chest is so heavy why breathe.
I want to be with you, and enjoy the feelings we have shared, I want to hold you like I have done so many times before. I want to escape into your arms, to be held, to be safe.
I can only live minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day....
Buts okay we can be friends and it will make things all better...

how can one filter out love, how can one not allow love to happen, not allowing themselves to feel what their hearts are telling them.
Breathe in breathe out

Fear vs Love

Why do we not charish the want to feel good again? to feel love again?
Why do we harbor the fears of being hurt, to protect ourselves, not to get burned again?
Why will we let someone who is good for us go, In the name of safety?
why should our hearts cry out in pain vs lust?
why do we trust no one, even those we love?
Why even when we fall in love with someone, we can cling to our walls and not let them in, not let them get close to us?
All because of the past we have been through, All the pain, and suffering we had at the hands of those calling it love.

Vunerable

if we tell someone we love them does this make us vunerable? Are we showing weakness by saying "I love you" Why does something we search for all our lives scare us so much?
What is it that makes us seem so unprotected when we are in love with someone. We do we feel so save by ourselves, when we only love ourselves?
Will she run if I really open up and tell her how I really feel? Will she really stick this one out like she says she will?
How come I feel like I could be pushed off the cliff at any moment? Why does it hurt is she says she doesn't love me? Need me? Want me?
What will it take for her to feel safe with me? When will she trust me as me, and not think of myself as one of the guys?
Will she ever trust me?

How can I show her I don't want anyone else, I don't need anyone else, that I am happy with her? That I do love her, and want to be with her?
Is vunerable really love? Or is what we are taught to call love is vunerable?

what's next

s I lay in your arms, feeling the safest I have in years with someone.
My body says, "yes this is right" my mind says, "what's the catch, how will she hurt me? Is she the right one? What if she is? What if she isn't?"
My Heart says, "wow..Someone to love me without hangups, and stipulations, just loving me for me?"

you hold me so tight, you body is so comfortable to curl up too..You arms are like gates around me, keeping the outside world, the past, the future out. Its all about this moment, here, now with us, curled up on the couch together.

I feel your heart beat, its not racing with excitement, but its not mellow as if asleep. It beats a contempt beat. Its satisfied to be here with me, us, together.

you kiss my forehead, a kiss of satisfaction, possibly love? But not sexual, we aren't going there, till its right in Gods eyes.

Your fingers touch my hair and neck, It shorts out my brain, the abundance of love, affection flowing through those five finger tips, sending goose bumps up and down my spine, arms, and neck.

Again, I ask, can this be real, what's the catch? Is this what I have been looking for, all theses years? Will this one last, what does she want from me, from life, From God?

I just know for now this is right, This person who is holding me is right, she is addicting, she is a drug to my heart, soul, mind and body.
I know that I must pursue this relationship, but by God's terms, not by mine or hers but Gods.

What is it all about?

What am I scared of? Am I afraid you are it, the one i will be with the rest of my life?
Amn I good enough for you? Will I satisfy your every need?
I long to grow old with someone, someone like you, who is very level headed, honest, knows what she wants in life. She is easy to love, but hard to hurt.
Will we survive any and all things that will come our way? What do we do about the few differences we have (carrots).
We love the time together but is it too much, not enough?
When will we move to the next level if we do...
I long to be with you when ever possible, but work, school, church, friends, family seem to be in the way

Can the future tell us about the past?

When we find something real in the future can it tell us what really happened in the past?
If we ate something that was good in the past, but eat the same thing in the future and it was AWESOME, was the one of the past bad? Was it not good, was it not real?
Relationships are the same way, if we thought we had a good one in the past, till we find out while having GREAT one now, was the one in the past, unreal? was it fake?, was it wrong?
What about love? If you think you are in-love in the past, till you really fall in love in the present, where you in love in the past, or was it a relationship of bad luck, maybe it was just convenience? Maybe you werent inlove back then?
Does this mean in the future I will find out what real love is,or do I have it right now? My guess is I have it right now...
In the future we will see if Im right or wrong...

Windless Sails

As a man of the seas, I never thought that this voyage would end up like this. We had started out in a calm, peaceful sea, almost too calm, and our sails were full extended, we were making good timing as the wind carried us through life.
But one evening, the wind disappeared, our sails failed, we had to wrap them up to protect them, we can't afford for them to get ripped up and shattered again.

As we drifted across the sea with little or no control of this ship, where would it take us, when would we be able to lift our sails to the sky again.
Would we ever see our dream-land of life? Would life as we know it disappear?
As we talk about what is happening, there is hope in our eyes that yes one day we will sail with the wind behind us, leaving the land called "our past" behind.
We will just have to hold firm on the rudder till we can steer this ship again.

Why do we love

Love Why do we love? what do we gain from it? We seem to always want to love or be loved, but only to have one of the two people give up and walk away. Do we love pain more than love? Is there such a thing as true love? How long do you look for it, before giving it up? How old do you have to be to find love? Can you be too old and never find love? Can we die from broken hearts? If we never love can we miss love? God tells us to love like he loves, unconditional, and to always love one another. We humans can't do that. The quest for love has caused wars, brought large countries to their knees, costed millions of lives, For What?

Poison in the Blood

When one has no way to express themselves, they will start to die off, due to their emotions pooling up in the bodies, like poison.
If this poison called emotion isnt allowed to flow outside the body, it will start taking over the heart, mind, body, and soul...Cause it to grow hard, and the person will walk around being dead on the inside.
If one cant express themselve on paper, to another person, in song, words, or even a simple smile...they will suffer, beyond anyones imagination.
They will start hurting others...wanting others to suffer
So remember a simple smile, hello or if you know the person well enough, i love ya..
bring life back in your friends....

The Perfect Dream!

As I slept lazily through life,

Wondering what was a head in time,

I fell into a dream about someone like you

We were friends, we did a lot together, but still were ourselves,

We cared for each other, more than anybody else’s heart could understand

We laughed and carried on like we have know each other for years

What would we have in the future?

We both had nightmares in the past,

Both scared of this dream of the future,

How would we get through it, would we get through it?

As we started living this dream, you got nervous

You stopped and asked for space,

And backed off leaving me at a “Y” in life.

Was I suppose to turn back and find you again,

Was I suppose to wait here for you,

Am I to go on without you?

Looking at the hand life dealt me,

I was to move on in life, with a chance of returning to this “Y”,

Do I take the chance you will be here in less than a year?

Do I return at all?

I will always know you as my friend,

Smiling when I relive those memories we had together

Never crying over the dream I didn’t have the chance to live!



a walk in life

Today you take my hand and walk through our past lives...
As we walk down the broken wooden boards of yesterday, under the shattered tarps of promises from others, we smile at each other and continue on.
We come up to warn down shacks, what is left of our memories of those we spent time with.. We slowly walked through each one, picking up memories to make us stronger and better people in the future.
a memory here, a memory there... You learn from my mistake, I learn from yours. When we get down there, we move on...
Next we come to a muddy street, caused from all the tears we cried over our past, loved ones we lost, those we thought we loved, but didn't. Those friends and family we trusted who let us down.
You look at me, and sadly ask, "is there anything colorful and happy around here." I smiled and said yes... I take your hand we hang a left, there is Statues and awards everywhere, From us being understanding dealing with those who hurt us.. I point at one, dealing with those who are hung up on substances. "that one is for you"
Another one, "being there for all those you don't know.." You smile, "you being a firefighter!"
We both smile, and walk on...We met our Lord and Savior as we headed back to our lives, he smiled, "please my children, learn from what you have seen, take what you know and use it in the future to love each other, to help each other, and those you don't know...
I love ya, remember me...I died for you...
I take your hand, we hug him and walk back into today to face the future with our new knowledge, and love for other...
We round the corner and start dealing with our ex's, our crazy friends, the politics of our jobs, and other things.
We still have each other...